“You are here to enable the devine purpose of the universe to unfold. That is how important you are！” — Eckhart Tolle.
What does it mean to do a silent retreat for more than 5 days？ My first reaction was, how lonely that must be, and could I ever do something like that？ I finally got the opportunity to practice at Dharma Drum‘s Western Zen retreat during October of 2019. I went without expectations, only to keep an open mind, and accept whatever comes up. But what I learned was much more, from unfamiliar meditation experiences, to discovering that my mind‘s thought is not the real me, to being overwhelmed with appreciation for being alive. Most of all, I appreciated learning the practice of “being in the moment”！
The program was designed so that my life is as simple as possible, and that helps me to do nothing except to concentrate on just being here now. One must keep an open mind in order to confront what you see and learn of yourself. In the beinging, I welcomed a quite place to meditate, away from the city. But during the first meditation I quickly went into a deep meditative state. I had an unfamiliar, and to me unusual experience, as if I were losing control. So I breathed heavily and opened my eyes slightly to make sure I was still at the Chan Hall, where I was supposed to be physically.
I reflected on this experience every day while at the retreat. First I thought, maybe I don’t trust God, or the Divine nature or people arround me. What if I don‘t wake up, who will know to wake me up？ Then the next day, I thought, how can I not trust God or the Divine nature？I trust the higher power, because I do believe in Miracles, maybe I don’t trust myself！ Another day passed, and I thought, how ironic, “I don‘t trust Myself”. I repeated this many times. Then an Ah Ha moment！”I DON’T TRUST MYSELF“, the ’I’ was my mind, ‘myself’ was the real me. How can my mind say it does not trust the real me？ The real me is always true.
For the first time, I was able to seperate my mind from what it thinks. It makes sense now what Eckhart Tolle said, ”Am I one or two？If I can not live with myself, there must be two of me： the ’I‘ and the ’self‘ that ‘I’ cannot live with.“
The discovery of mind and what it thinks was more rewarding than the meaning of ”I don‘t trust myself“. I continue to practice, being in the moment, with what my mind thinks, but not to react. Soon, I am not thinking, just observing.
Thru the practice of ”being in the moment“, I became more aware the existance of my surroundings, as I slowed down. One morning, during the break, I watched a yellow leaf fall from the tree, slowly and effortlessly. That leaf knew how to transition from a state attched to the branch to a state of falling to the ground. I wonder if my transition needs to be so complicated？ The transition of a career change. It could also be effortless, if I don’t worry too much.
When listening to others, I practiced being completely focused. Because I was not thinking how to react or what to say, I felt completely in the moment with the person. I am able to feel their emotion, and to watch them change. I realized everyone is struggling in their own way, and trying to free themselves of the pain, or delight in their new found freedom from pain.
Every walking meditation is different. Not because the path is different, but the wind brushes me differently, different animals come out, different degrees of warmth from the sun, and different cloud formations that reminded me of different paintings. One that impressed me the most was watching a catepillar cross the road. This tiny creature knew to move its entire body, cruching and uncrunching its body, from one side of the road to the other side. Not knowing the danger of a potential car or people stepping on it, it just kept on moving. The road looks smooth to me, but for the catepillar must be some ups and downs！ Yet, it knew to keep on moving.
Last day of the retreat, I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I am alive. There were uncontrollable tears of joy. I felt very humble to be living among all the beings in nature that God has created！ They are teaching me a lesson of living just being who they are, the poeple, the animals, the trees, the leaves, the catepillar, the sound, the wind, the sun, countless beings that nature has to offer. Their life is so precious and beautiful！
I thought before the retreat, that I will deepen my meditation practice, and enhance my yoga practice. Now it takes on a different meaning； it needs to become a living meditation and integrate it into my daily life.
I thanked our teachers Rebecca, Hilary and Fiona （both from England） to guide us through this life changing experience, and the volunteers and students that were there！
Below is a link to Dharma Drum retreat center：
The Yoga with Heart 